1 October

It's so funny how things go so fast. Eight years of ups and downs, and I have to admit that we're not always be a good team in dealing with many things. Basically we have different characters, and it's quite possible for us to fight at all times.

And the last time that we had argued a lot was about the future. I didn't know what his plans were, where we headed to. Well, we know where wanted to head, but we didn't know how to get there. He asked me to trust him, but how? There were times when I felt so doubtful of whether or not we could make it. Whether I pushed him too much, or whether it was just me who was more mature or had better vision at that time.

I guess it takes time for people to grow. A couple may not always grow in the same pace, but as long as the one of the parties is patient enough, to wait, to guide, to assist, the other one will eventually get up and walk in the same path. It may take time, patience, and even lots of consideration - since it's possible that both of the parties will never be able to walk in the same path, at the same pace. And that's the time when the couple may decide to separate.

I need to accept that our time still has a long way to go. Yet as we discussed lots of things these days, I can say that I'm a bit relaxed since I know that he has changed a lot. He understands my objections in that he often made reckless decisions without thinking much about the future. About me. About us. He understands my objection about the future - where and how we want to be. For I myself, I need to understand, to accept, to listen. Most importantly, I need to forgive him. For his mistakes, for my own mistakes, for our inabilities to communicate our own thoughts to one another.

I remember one of my meditation friends told me, which more or less said that the old love will die, but the new ones will nurture.

Eight years with you, and yet everything starts from zero again. We're having a fresh start. The future is still unknown, but even if we don't make it, I know I have learned many things from him. A lot. We grow together, and I'm grateful for that.

Happy 8th anniversary, love.

Leaving

I'm writing this note after one of my housemate, Show Lin just left. She knocked on my door and we took a picture.

I remember similar things happen last time. My other housemate, Ali, left as we were about to become good friends as well.

In my one year in Melbourne, I always feel that I don't really have many close friends. I have friends, but not that close personally. Meanwhile I'm a kind of person who enjoys personal relationship, to talk to people and to share things. In other words, I feel lonely here. Things are tough with the heavy materials, and at the same time I feel little companions.

As I watched the two trimester past, I finally realized that I've actually found many good friends here. Sadly, exactly one month from now, I'm leaving. It's so fast, too fast. It reminds me that everything changes so quickly, and I cannot grip those things too tight. I'm learning to let go - because that's exactly what I have. Friends, family, lover, money, happiness, will change quickly. Who am I to make things go exactly as I want?

I received my international graduation invitation yesterday. I was numb. So close. Or too close? I need more time to digest things, I need time to reflect. What have I done here? I guess, when I receive my real certificate, implicitly I'm accepting my 'certificate of life' as well. I have completed one phase of my life. I have a new vision. I have changed.

Now I'm going to find a job and ready to write a new chapter.

So Much for a Wedding

After having a long talk with my boyfriend, and seeing my friends preparing their wedding and stuffs, I contemplate myself and come to several conclusions. Again, this is my personal thoughts, and please don't be offended with what I'm going to write.

My boyfriend always told me that what lies of a marriage is the marriage life itself, not the party. I absolutely agree with him. However, I just understand a few things.

Marriage is a sacred thing, when you make a promise in front of God to be committed to your partner, etc. Thus, the true essence of marriage will be the wedding vows, which, for some people, are just ordinary vows. After this crucial ceremony, normally the couple will have a feast to celebrate and to share the happiness, i.e. you treat them well, for the hopes the kindness made that day will ease the journey coming ahead.

What I see today is that people emphasis more on the wedding reception, not the religious ceremony. So much for the reception, so much for the dress, the flowers, the pictures, everything should be number one, for the argument that this celebration is only for once in a lifetime.Yes, it is for a lifetime. But really, we need to understand that the emphasis should be on the commitment which we made that day. Not what kind of party that you're going to have. Not about inviting as many as people as you can, to show off. It doesn't matter if there's only two of you to make the promise, as long as you are committed. Because when you are committed, you will grow together, and that's the underlying reason of why people get married, isn't it?

Oh well, again, I'm having the random thoughts...

Random

Well, I actually realized that I've been soooo stressful for years, making me feel like a gloomy person, and whatever you called it.

I remember the first time I came to Oz I hoped that everything will change.

It turns out they are not. I become more stressful than ever, until I come to a point, when I just wannabe free. Some people said that it might be a bit too late, since I've got my freedom in Oz here, but it's never too late to start changing right?

I'm so afraid to return to be honest. My freedom, which I cherish the most lies here. Even when my mom decided to come early, I was n0t happy at all. I need time to be alone. I know that she means to help me out and stuffs, but I really, really need time to go back alone.

I'm ready to write a happy ending in this chapter though. It just makes me wonder that I wanna do what I wanna do, no matter what people say. I do have other things to fix anyway, like my relationship which is pretty ups and downs ever since I come here - which makes me believe that it takes a lifetime to understand a person and....there's no guarantee that it will reach a happy ending.

I'm doing this as far as what I can do now. Although I have dreams with him, it doesn't mean that I'm gonna sacrifices my other dreams.

It's kinda funny but I wanna go home, and I don't wanna go home at the same time. Maybe I'll accept the offer and stayed in a boarding house alone instead. But I also feel that it's a selfish decision, is it?

*udalah, mendingan jalan jalan dulu gua mumpung di sini*

When you say that this is part of His plan.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010 at 7:46pm

Have you ever heard people say 'there's nothing wrong in this world, as everything happens for a reason'?

Personally I believe that we have to be careful in analyzing this. You have to admit that you did mistakes - they are just wrong, but again, there must be something else which you can learn from your mistakes.

Sometimes I wonder whether God laughs at us, behaving like kids, when you make a mistake you said this is part of the God's plans. Wait a minute, we often make mistakes just because we made wrong choices rights? We often make mistakes because of our ego! And you still believe that this is God's plans? How come? Did God decide it for you? No, you decide it yourself!

I'm saying this not because I don't believe in God, it's because I believe that we often make mistakes - and we just sort of having a quick resort by saying that this is God's plans. Really, it goes beyond that. God will assist you in making things right, or at least giving us peace to accept those mistakes. But never, never say that this is His plans. Mistakes are made by humans, not by God.

A bit skeptical? I'm just trying to have another view of life.

Just Another Thought

I just had a quick conversation with one of my friends and I felt like writing a note today.

Well, let me clarify what I get all these years. Hardships, in whatever the forms are, do shape the characteristics of people. They do determine how people handle problems, they do influence the characters of those people, being tough and always getting up when s/he falls.

I can say that I'm lucky enough to be born in what we call as 'the ideal family'. I've got a fantastic family, a driver to wait for me after school, practically never tidy up my own bed room (because my maid can do it for me!), never cook, never have to worry about financial matters, and you name it, I've got it! And I know that many of my friends are having the same stuffs as well. Indeed, we are lucky. We don't have to earn some money to help our parents to fund our study or work for our own pocket money.

It's different when I go to Atma. Until now, I'm grateful to study there because it is really an experience. Studying there just open my eyes - well, people may not have the same comfort which I have. They may not be able to spend some amount of money at once because they need to prioritize things. And that's what makes the differences are. I learn to appreciate what I have and be aware of my comfort. Will I be able to provide the same things which my parents now give me to my own family in the future?

You may spend hundreds of dollars or rupiahs just for a piece of cloth or a bag. (I'm doing that too, to be honest!) Wait a minute, is it your money, or your parents' money? How old are you? Whilst millions of people are fighting for their own dreams, is it fair that you just waste your money that way? I may complain that my boyfriend cannot even come to Melbourne for me, to call me, to buy expensive stuffs for me, but I admire his decision to do things his own - to stand on his own and practically do everything independently, despite the fact that I know that his family is beyond the capacity to provide all the luxuries. He wants to see the world. How? Not expecting money from his parents for sure. He joined competitions and travel abroad.

I know one of my friends will fly to US with her husband soon. She deserves the happiness after all her tough years. I know my other friend will soon study to German to pursue her dreams as well. I wouldn't be surprised to see her on world stage someday. I have another friend who is dedicated for being a teacher, another friend who is pursuing her dreams to study further in music, and you name it! I've got lots of fantastic friends whom truly open my eyes!

It doesn't mean that you have to live miserably though, but let me put this way. You might live in a comfortable life right now, but remember, things may change dramatically. Be aware of it and have a broader view of your life. You cannot just enjoy everything and forget that life may be unpredictable. Be humble. You may be the one whom people spit on if things are going the other way around.

I admire people, despite all the comforts they have - they are still willing to stand alone and face hardships to reach their dreams. How many people are there today?

Am I being skeptical? Again no. I just feel that these days, people (including my friends) have too narrow views about their lives. They think that their problems are bigger than anyone else - about work, about study, etc. I have the tendency for doing that as well. How selfish. After all, that's the characteristic of humans, rights? We tend to follow our ego and perceive others differently from us. This is MY problem, that is YOUR problem. MY problem is bigger than YOURS. For once in your life, please stop and try to see his/her problem from their own shoes.

I have disappointments, and I don't want to reveal them here because I'm afraid I will hurt my friends. However, when I feel that I stood alone, I find other friends - those who are tough and honest in their lives - to stand besides me. I learn, and I know that I may hurt my friends too. For that, I will accept this. And I'm grateful for this.

First Month in Melbourne

Today is July 27, 2009. Wow. Time flies. I still remember coming to Melbourne at June 27 in the evening. I was picked up by a driver from Deakin and went directly to International House. Several Indonesian girls were waiting for their cab when I entered the gate of my future living house. They were just giggling, how young they were.

I came with my brother, feeling exhausted and wanting to go bed immediately. However, there was a sense of loneliness as I entered my room at that time. I felt wanted to cry, I don't like this place. As I went to the city the next day I felt wanna move to the city! Hahaha....

As the days gone by, I went to many places with my brother, realizing, for the first time, this is gonna be the last holidays only for the two of us abroad. I'm gonna welcome a new member of the family, a new sister to share with :). At that time I realized for the first time how fast time changes. Whoa! It seemed only yesterday I went to US and Singapore. It seems only yesterday I entered my first days in bachelor degree. It seems only yesterday I want to study abroad so bad, and here I am, in this new place, pointing out some pictures with my dream winter coat (hahaha). I am the one who is the picture, I am not just admiring other people's pictures when studying abroad. I'm living out my dreams now.

When my brother left, I thought I would be lonelier than ever. God is good, I spent my remaining holidays before going back to school with my old friends, meeting them at church, and they showing me around. I feel grateful for this.

Then school started. Jesus, it is hard! I feel the sense of panic like what I did have in high school. Not having enough time, enough for social life and everything. I felt so stressful that I even got sick last weekend, and I didn't go anywhere, except going to Boxhill for an hour to buy groceries.

The two day break did give me a positive impact, I reorganize my mind. I am here for a purpose. I am here to learn about life, not only materials. I know that I am going to pass this phase, although it's not easy. Look at what I have done when I was stressful last week. I forgot to bring my room key and I had to wait for three hours for my caretaker to come. I forgot to press the start button for my laundry. I forgot to take my USB in the computer lab, which, sadly to say, is still missing until now. I'm focusing merely on myself, not the others. And what life is if it is not shared for others? What's the point of learning meditation if I get panic easily? Life changes, always changes, why do I have to face everything in a hard way? I can think properly when I'm not panic, when I don't hate, when I don't feel sorry for myself.

Whatever it is, at the end of the first month, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for this opportunity. I'm grateful for having my parents, my family. This is the time for me to really appreciate what they have done for me. My mom, my dad, wow. How easy I was complaining that my mom's cook was not good, and here I am, eating the same stuffs over and over again, feeling bored. How often I argue with my dad, and I know the fact, without him, I won't be able to fund my own study here. For whatever the reason is, I believe parents will do everything for their kids. They do have flaws, it is our job to understand and to forgive them.

I remember my best friends, for whom my heart lies. I really appreciate for the colors they have given in my life, and for the understanding from Adrie as well. It's not easy for us to depart this way, but we have a dream to share, and my study is part of the fulfillment of those dreams in a few years ahead. I remember feeling half - ashamed to tell him that I go to church here, even start my devotion to Mother Mary. Tessa, a person who is always skeptical about Catholic now starts being a religious person. If only seeing means believing, then it means I still have big ego.

I can only say this in a few words to summarize.

I know I am looking forward to...

living out my other dreams.